My Sexuality

Hello again everyone.

Today’s post is incredibly personal, as you can probably tell by the title, but I feel like this is a very important subject I need to talk about.

Four years ago, at the age of 18, I came out as gay.

By this point in my life, after years of internal struggle, I had become comfortable enough within myself to share this part of my identity with the world and to begin living as the person I wanted to be. It was absolutely the best decision I ever made, and it was so liberating to be open and honest both to myself and to others. Coming out also brought me closer to a lot of people, including my mother, because I had nothing to hide anymore. It even helped me find many of the friends I have now through my university’s LGBT+ group (which I joined just after coming out for the first time). At that stage of my life, I was comfortable and confident in my sexuality and genuinely felt as though I had found the right label for me, and I fitted in with others who identified similarly. I was out as a gay man, and I was so happy within myself.

However, around 2 years ago, I began to realise that I found women attractive as well.

For the first time in years, I questioned my identity. This was terrifying for me, because I had been so sure of who I was for years up to this point, and suddenly things were not quite what I thought they were. In my head, I went through so many different possibilities of what this might mean for me.

Was I bisexual?

Was I still gay?

Could I still identify as gay even though I also found women attractive?

Was I homoflexible (primarily attracted to people of the same gender but occasionally experience attraction to other genders)?

On top of all of my internal conflict about my identity, I had a huge fear of what other people would think if I ever told anyone the truth. Stupid though it may sound, I was afraid of being victimised by others for re-coming out, and that in so doing I might just damage the validity of both my own identity and those of other people in the LGBT+ community by coming out again. All of these things fed my internalised hatred of who I really was and kept me from speaking out about what I was feeling.

Because of this, I did consider not coming out again at all, and just keeping my true self a secret to avoid having to go through the process of coming out again. I just couldn’t see a way that I could identify too far from what I had already come out as, and I didn’t feel as though I would ever be able to pluck up the courage to come out all over again.

Towards the end of 2016, I told someone for the first time about my what I was going through with my sexuality. Even though I regretted it at that moment (because I wasn’t quite ready to talk about it), it forced me to begin to deal with what I was going through, and I am so glad I did. Over the following few weeks, I thought a lot about things and finally came to terms with my true identity at last after 2 years of fighting it. Honestly, once I stopped trying to push it away and embraced my true sexuality, I felt so much better and happier about it.

Now, having accepted myself, I have begun the coming out process for the second time.

It isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be, with the reaction being overwhelmingly positive. Yes, people are a little surprised about it but have nonetheless accepted that this is who I am. I am so grateful to be in the environment I’m in and to have so many amazing and supportive friends around me and I am thankful every day that I have them. They enable me to be the person I am without having to hide anything, and it is so liberating for me to be able to do that.

2017 is my year of being my authentic self as often as possible. So, with that in mind, I say this.

I AM BISEXUAL AND I AM PROUD.

I felt I needed to write this post for several reasons.

-        I wanted to be honest and share this part of myself with you guys

-        I want to reassure any of you who are going through similar issues that you aren’t alone

-        Offer support for anyone else out there who has come out already but feels as though they no longer fit with the label they gave themselves when they did so

-        It is perfectly okay if your sexuality/gender identity changes. Both are on a spectrum and if you feel differently to how you used to, THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE AND YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL ANY LESS VALID AS A PERSON FOR DOING SO.

-        It is important to always be your most authentic self, never forget that.

If any of you ever want advice or someone to talk to, if you’re struggling with your sexuality or with anything else, then my social media links will be in the table below. Feel free to DM me anytime and I will endeavour to reply as soon as I can.

Until my next post, keep being your most authentic selves, keep positive, keep smiling, and above all, keep believing!

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